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Barnacle himself； in the odour of Circumlocution……with the very smell of
Despatch…Boxes upon him。 Yes； there was Lord Decimus Tite Barnacle； who
had risen to official heights on the wings of one indignant idea； and
that was； My Lords； that I am yet to be told that it behoves a Minister
of this free country to set bounds to the philanthropy； to cramp the
charity； to fetter the public spirit； to contract the enterprise； to
damp the independent self…reliance； of its people。 That was； in other
words； that this great statesman was always yet to be told that it
behoved the Pilot of the ship to do anything but prosper in the private
loaf and fish trade ashore； the crew being able； by dint of hard
pumping； to keep the ship above water without him。 On this sublime
discovery in the great art How not to do it； Lord Decimus had long
sustained the highest glory of the Barnacle family； and let any
ill…advised member of either House but try How to do it by bringing in
a Bill to do it； that Bill was as good as dead and buried when Lord
Decimus Tite Barnacle rose up in his place and solemnly said； soaring
into indignant majesty as the Circumlocution cheering soared around
him； that he was yet to be told； My Lords； that it behoved him as the
Minister of this free country； to set bounds to the philanthropy；
to cramp the charity； to fetter the public spirit； to contract the
enterprise； to damp the independent self…reliance； of its people。 The
discovery of this Behoving Machine was the discovery of the political
perpetual motion。 It never wore out； though it was always going round
and round in all the State Departments。
And there； with his noble friend and relative Lord Decimus； was
William Barnacle； who had made the ever…famous coalition with Tudor
Stiltstalking； and who always kept ready his own particular recipe for
How not to do it； sometimes tapping the Speaker； and drawing it fresh
out of him； with a 'First； I will beg you； sir； to inform the House what
Precedent we have for the course into which the honourable gentleman
would precipitate us；' sometimes asking the honourable gentleman to
favour him with his own version of the Precedent； sometimes telling
the honourable gentleman that he （William Barnacle） would search for a
Precedent； and oftentimes crushing the honourable gentleman flat on
the spot by telling him there was no Precedent。 But Precedent and
Precipitate were； under all circumstances； the well…matched pair of
battle…horses of this able Circumlocutionist。 No matter that the unhappy
honourable gentleman had been trying in vain； for twenty…five years； to
precipitate William Barnacle into this……William Barnacle still put it to
the House； and （at second…hand or so） to the country； whether he was to
be precipitated into this。 No matter that it was utterly irreconcilable
with the nature of things and course of events that the wretched
honourable gentleman could possibly produce a Precedent for
this……William Barnacle would nevertheless thank the honourable gentleman
for that ironical cheer； and would close with him upon that issue； and
would tell him to his teeth that there Was NO Precedent for this。 It
might perhaps have been objected that the William Barnacle wisdom was
not high wisdom or the earth it bamboozled would never have been made；
or； if made in a rash mistake； would have remained blank mud。 But
Precedent and Precipitate together frightened all objection out of most
people。
And there； too； was another Barnacle； a lively one； who had leaped
through twenty places in quick succession； and was always in two or
three at once； and who was the much…respected inventor of an art
which he practised with great success and admiration in all Barnacle
Governments。 This was； when he was asked a Parliamentary question on
any one topic； to return an answer on any other。 It had done immense
service； and brought him into high esteem with the Circumlocution
Office。
And there； too； was a sprinkling of less distinguished Parliamentary
Barnacles； who had not as yet got anything snug； and were going through
their probation to prove their worthiness。 These Barnacles perched upon
staircases and hid in passages； waiting their orders to make houses
or not to make houses； and they did all their hearing； and ohing； and
cheering； and barking； under directions from the heads of the family；
and they put dummy motions on the paper in the way of other men's
motions； and they stalled disagreeable subjects off until late in the
night and late in the session； and then with virtuous patriotism cried
out that it was too late； and they went down into the country； whenever
they were sent； and swore that Lord Decimus had revived trade from a
swoon； and merce from a fit； and had doubled the harvest of corn；
quadrupled the harvest of hay； and prevented no end of gold from flying
out of the Bank。 Also these Barnacles were dealt； by the heads of the
family； like so many cards below the court…cards； to public meetings and
dinners； where they bore testimony to all sorts of services on the part
of their noble and honourable relatives； and buttered the Barnacles on
all sorts of toasts。 And they stood； under similar orders； at all sorts
of elections； and they turned out of their own seats； on the shortest
notice and the most unreasonable terms； to let in other men； and they
fetched and carried； and toadied and jobbed； and corrupted； and ate
heaps of dirt； and were indefatigable in the public service。 And there
was not a list； in all the Circumlocution Office； of places that might
fall vacant anywhere within half a century； from a lord of the Treasury
to a Chinese consul； and up again to a governor…general of India； but as
applicants for such places； the names of some or of every one of these
hungry and adhesive Barnacles were down。
It was necessarily but a sprinkling of any class of Barnacles that
attended the marriage； for there were not two score in all； and what
is that subtracted from Legion！ But the sprinkling was a swarm in the
Twickenham cottage； and filled it。 A Barnacle （assisted by a Barnacle）
married the happy pair； and it behoved Lord Decimus Tite Barnacle
himself to conduct Mrs Meagles to breakfast。
The entertainment was not as agreeable and natural as it might have
been。 Mr Meagles； hove down by his good pany while he highly
appreciated it； was not himself。 Mrs Gowan was herself； and that did not
improve him。 The fiction that it was not Mr Meagles who had stood in the
way； but that it was the Family greatness； and that the Family greatness
had made a concession； and there was now a soothing unanimity； pervaded
the affair； though it was never openly expressed。 Then the Barnacles
felt that they for their parts would have done with the Meagleses when
the present patronising occasion was over； and the Meagleses felt the
same for their parts。 Then Gowan asserting his rights as a disappointed
man who had his grudge against the family； and who； perhaps； had allowed
his mother to have them there； as much in the hope it might give them
some annoyance as with any other benevolent object； aired his pencil and
his poverty ostentatiously before them； and told them he hoped in time
to settle a crust of bread and cheese on his wife； and that he begged
such of them as （more fortunate than himself） came in for any good
thing； and could buy a picture； to please to remember the poor painter。
Then Lord Decimus； who was a wonder on his own Parliamentary pedestal；
turned out to be the windiest creature here： proposing happiness to the
bride and bridegroom in a series of platitudes that would have made the
hair of any sincere disciple and believer stand on end； and trotting；
with the placency of an idiotic elephant； among howling labyrinths of
sentences which he seemed to take for high roads； and never so much
as wanted to get out of。 Then Mr Tite Barnacle could not but feel that
there was a person in pany； who would have disturbed his life…long
sitting to Sir Thomas Lawrence in full official character； if such
disturbance had been possible： while Barnacle junior did； with
indignation； municate to two vapid gentlemen； his relatives； that
there was a feller here； loo