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s in this house？〃
〃Loved you at first sight； like a silly schoolgirl。 Wanted to take you to bed。 I told you so。〃 …
〃Not how you felt…how did I feel？〃
〃Oh。 You had an erection over me。〃
〃Yes； I did。 But I thought I had concealed it。 You noticed？〃
〃Oh； I didn't see a bulge in your trousers or anything like that。 Theodore； I never look down that far； men bee embarrassed so easily。 I simply knew you felt as I did…and I felt like a she dog in heat。 Bitch in heat； I mean…I don't intend to… be prim in bed。 The instant you met my eyes… standing； out in the front hall…I knew we needed each other and I grew terribly excited 。 。 and rushed out into the kitchen tO get myself under ~control。〃
〃You … didn't rush； you moved with smooth grace； like a ship under sail。〃 …
〃That ship was sailing fast； I was rushing。 I got myself under con~trol but not less excited。 More。 My breasts ached and my nipples hurt； all the time you were here。 But that doesn't show。 It would not have mattered had Father noticed my excitement except that he would not have invited you back…and I wanted you to e back。 Father knows what I am； he told me so when he was helping me。 He told
… me to face up to what I am and be happy with it…but that I must learn never to let my ruttiness show； things being the way they are。 I've tried…but that night it was very hard not to show it。〃
〃You succeeded。〃…
〃Brian tells me that I don't show it。 But that night was so difficult。 I… Theodore； there is something boys do…and sometimes men…when they're terribly frustrated。 With their hands。〃
〃Certainly。 Masturbation。 Boys call it 'jacking off。'〃
〃So Brian says。 But perhaps you don't know that… girls… and women…can do something like it？〃
〃I do know。 For a lonely person of either sex； it's a harmless but inadequate substitute。〃
〃'Harmless but inadequate…' Quite inadequate。 But I'm glad you think it's harmless。 Because I went upstairs and took a bath…I needed one although I had bathed before？supper。 And did it； in the tub。 And went to bed and stared at the ceiling。 Then got up and locked the door and took off my nightgown…and did it and did it and did it！ Thinking about you； Theodore； every instant。 Your voice； how you smelled； the touch of your hand on mine。 But it took at least an hour before I was relaxed enough to sleep。〃
（It took me even longer； dear； and I should have used your direct therapy。 But I was punishing myself for being a fool。 Off my trolley； dearest one； as I know it is never foolish to love。 But I didn't see how we could ever show our love。） 〃I wish I could have been there； darling…because a mile or two away I was aching with it…thinking of you。〃
〃Theodore； I hoped you felt that way。 I needed you so and hoped that you needed me just as much。 But the best I could do was lock my door and do that~ and think about you； with nobody around but Ethel in hei crib and her too young to notice。 Oops！ I lost you。 Oh； dear！〃
第81节
〃You haven't lost me； just that wee bit of proud flesh。 Which will recover soon； you promised me a second chance。 Change position？ Shoulder pillow？ Left； or right？ I shouldn't
have kept my weight on you so long； but I didn't want to move。〃 …
〃I didn't want you to move as long as I could keep even a little of you in me。 You aren't too heavy； my hips are broad； and you let a woman breathe； sir。 Put me on either side； whichever you prefer。〃
〃Like this？〃
〃That's fy。 Oh； Theodore； this doesn't feel like our first time； I feel as if I had loved you forever and you had e back to …me at last。〃
（Let's get away from that subject； Mama Maureen。） 〃I'll go on loving you forever； my darling。〃
（Omitted）
〃…told her bluntly that he would not marry her if she made any fuss over his joining the Army when he didn't have to。〃 …
〃What did Nancy tell him？'
〃She told him that she had been waiting to hear that； so now get her pregnant at once so they could have a few days' honeymoon before he joined up。 Nancy feels as strongly about warriors as her mother … does。 She came into my bedroom that night and told me what she had done； slightly teary but not worried over having jumped the gun。
〃So we cried happy tears； and I cleared the matter with Brian and the Weatherals； and Nancy missed her next period
…this was a month ago…and the wedding may be day after tomorrow or perhaps the day after that。〃
（Omitted） …
〃Darling； I wish I could see you。〃
〃Oh； dear！ I'd rather not turn on the Mazda lamp； Theodore。 These blinds are not so tight but what light would shine Out； as well as light under the door if by any chance Father came downstairs。〃
〃Maureen； I will never ask you to take any chance you don't like。 I see you quite well with my fingertips…and these are not broken down。〃
〃They flow off my ribs like melted marshmallows。 Theogore； when you open that package； please be very … careful that no one … is around； there is more in it than a pair of garters。〃 … …
〃I did open it。〃…
〃Then you know what I look like。〃
〃Was that beautiful girl you？〃
〃Tease。 Brian had me look straight at his camera。〃
〃But； darling； while you don't look down that far； men don't tend to look up very far。 Especially me。 Not when I'm looking at a photograph of a perfectly gorgeous nude model。〃
〃'Nude model；' my best Sunday hat！〃…
〃Maureen； it is the loveliest picture I have ever owned and I will cherish it always。〃
〃That's better and I don't believe it and I love hearing it。 Did you open the paper folded in with it？〃
〃The baby curl？ Did you clip it off Marie？'~
〃Theodore； I do not mind being teased； it just makes you more like Brian。 But if he teases too much； 1 bite him。 Anywhere。 Here； for example。〃
'Hey； not so hard！〃
〃Then tell me where that curl came from。〃
〃It came from your pretty； my pretty one； and I'll wear it over my heart forever。 But one reason I wanted to look at you is that you clipped so generous a lock that I worried that Brian might notice something missing…and ask why。〃
〃I can tell him I gave it to the iceman。〃
〃He won't believe that and will be sure that you have a new adventure to confess。〃
…〃Then he won't press me to tell him now； he'll change the subject。 Although I wish I could tell him now； I keep thinking about both of you； outdoors in daylight； that was the fantasy that kept me awake。 Sweetheart； there is a candle on the dresser…electricity not being as dependable as the gas lights we used to have。 It wouldn't throw enough light to worry me。 Y）ou may look at me by candlelight all you wish and as you wish。〃 …
〃Yes； darling！ Matches where？〃
〃Let me go and I'll get up and light it； I can find both in the dark。 Will I be allowed to look at you； too？〃
… 〃Sure。 For contrast。 'Beauty and the Beast。'〃 …
She giggled and kissed his ear。 〃Goat； maybe。 Or a stallion。 Theodore； I needed to be baby…stretched to accept you。〃
〃I thought you said I felt like Brian？〃 …
〃But he is a stallion； too。 Let me go。〃
〃Pay tojl。〃
〃Oh； goodness； darling； don't do that now！ Or I'll be so shaky I won't be able to str…ike a match。〃
Standing and by the light on one candle； they studied each other。 Lazarus felt his breath grow short at the dazzling glory of her。 For most of two years A had been deprived of the
sweet joy of seeing a woman； and had not realized ho starv鏳 he had been for that great privilege。 Darling； can y guess how much this means to me？ Mama Maureen； has one ever told you how much more sweetly beautiful a fu~ blown woman is than a maiden？ Certainly your love breasts have held milk； that's； what they're for。 Why wou
…I want them to look like marble？…I don't！
She studied him just as closely； her face solemn； h nipples crinkled tightly。 Theodore…Lazarus my