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sten。 What would you like to hear？〃
〃Anything； Lazarus。 Scheherazade picked her own subjects。〃
〃So she did。 But I don't have one on tap。〃
〃Well 。 。 you said as I came in that 'eariy rising ja a vice。' Did you mean that seriously？〃 …
〃Maybe。 Gramp Johnson claimed it was。 He used to …tell a story about a man who was condemned to be shot at sunrisebut overslept and missed it。 His sentence was muted that day； and he lived another forty； fifty years。 Said it proved his point。〃
〃Do you think that's a true story？〃
〃As true as any of Scheherazade's。 I took it to mean 'Sleep whenever you can； you may have to stay awake a long time。' Early rising may not be a vice； Ira； but it is certainly no virtue。 The old saw about the early bird just goes to show that the worm should have stayed in bed。 I can't stand people who are smug about how early they get up。〃
〃I didn't mean to sound smug； Grandfather。 I get u％~early
from long habit…the habit… of work。 But I don't say it's a virtue。〃
〃Which？ Work？ Or early rising？ Neither is …a virtue。 But getting up early do？not get more work done 。 。 any more than you can make a piece of string longer by cutting off one end and tying it onto the other。 You get less work done if you persist in getting up yawning and still tired。 You …aren't sharp and make mistakes and have to do it over。 That sort of busybusy is wastefuL As well as unpleasant。 And annoying to those who would sleep late if their neighbors weren't so noisily active at some ungodly cow…milking hour。 Ira； progress doesn't e from early risers…progress is made … by lazy men looking for easier ways to do things。〃
〃You make me feel that …I've wasted four centuries。〃
〃Perhaps you have； Son； if you've spent it …getting up early and） working…hard。 But it's not too late …to change your ways。 Don't fret about it； I've was？ed most of my long life…though perhaps more pleasantly。 Would you like to hear a story about a man who made laziness a …fine art？ His life exemplified the Principle of Least Effort。 A true story。〃
〃Certainly。 But I don't insist on its being true。〃
〃Oh； I won't let truth hamper me； Ira； I'm a solipsist at heart。 Hear then； 0 Mighty King； …
VARIATIONS ON A THEME
II
The Tale of the Man Who Was
…Too Lazy to Fail
… He was a schoolmate of mine in a school for training naval officers。 Not space navy； this was before the human race had even reached Earth's one satellite。 This was wet navy； ships that floated in water and attempted to sink each other； often with regrettable success。 I got mixed up in this through being too young to realize emotionally that； if my ship sank； I probably would … sink； too…but this is not my story； but David Lamb's。 * … …
To explain David I must go back to his childhood。 He was a hillbilly； which means he came from an area uncivilized even by the loose standards of those days…and Dave came from so far back in the hills that the hoot owls trod the chickens。
His education was in a one…room country school and ended at thirteen。 He enjoyed it； for every hour in school was a hour sitting down doing nothing harder than reading。 Before and after 'school he had to do chores on his family's farm； which he hated； as they were what was known as 〃honest work〃…meaning hard； dirty； inefficient； and ill…paid…and also involved getting up early； which be hated even worse。
Graduation was a grim day for him； it meant that he now did 〃honest work〃 all day long instead of spending a restful six or seven hours in school。 One hot day he spent fifteen
* There is no record that the Senior ever attended a school for militaro…naval officers； or any military school。 On the other hand； there is no proOf that he did not。 This story may be autobiographical to whatever extent it is true； 〃David Lamb〃 may be one more of the many names used by Woodrow Wilson Smith。
The details are consistent with Old Home's history so far as we know it。 The Senior's first century coincides with that century of continuous war which preceded the Great Collapse… a century of much scientific progress paralleled by retrogres
… sion in social matters。 Waterborne and airborne ships were used for fighting throughout this century。 See appendix for idioms and technicalities。 …
…J。F。 45th
CA
hours plowing behind a mule。 and the longer he stared a the south end of that mule； breathing dust it kicked up ani wiping the sweat of honest toil out of his eyes； the more hi hated it。
That night he left home informally； walked fifteen miles t~ town； slept across the door of the post office until the post mistress opened up next morning； and enlisted in the Navy He aged two years during the night； from fifteen to seventeen which made him old enough to enlist。
A boy often ages rapidly when be leaves home。 …The fac was not noticeable； birth registrations were unheard of a that time and place； and David was six feet tall； broad…shoul dered； well…muscled； handsome； and mature in appearance save for a wild look around the eyes。 …
The Navy suited David。 They gave him shoes and nev clothes； and let him ride around on the water； seeing strang and interesting places…untroubled by mules and the dust o cornfields。 They did expect him to work； though not as much or as hard； as working a hi…Il farm…and once he figured ou the political setup aboard ship he became adept at not doinl much work while still being satisfactory to the local gods namely； chief petty officers。
But it was not totally satisfactory as he still had to get UI early and often had to stand night watches and sometime~ scrub decks and perform other tasks unsuited to his sensitivc temperament。
Then he heard about this school for officer candidates… 〃midshipmen〃 as they were known。 Not that David cared what they were called； the point was that the Navy would pay bin to sit down and read books…his notion of heaven…untroubled by decks to scrub and by petty officers。 0 K？ng； am I boring you？ No？
Very well… David was ill prepared for this school； …never having had four to five years' additional schooling considered necessary to enter it…mathematics； … what passed for science； history； languages； literature； and So forth。
Pretending to four years or so of schooling he did not have was more difficult than tacking two years on the age of an overgrown boy。 But the Navy wished to encourage enlisted men to bee officers； so it had established a tutoring school to aid candidates slightly deficient in academic preparation；；
第9节
David construed 〃slightly deficient〃 to mean his own state； he told his chief petty officer that he had 〃just missed〃 graduating from high school…which was true in a way； he had 〃just
missed〃 by half a county； that being the distance from his home to the nearest high school。
I don't know how David induced his See…Pee…Oh to remend him； David never discussed this。 Suffice to say that； when David's ship steamed for the Mediterranean； David was dropped at Hampton Roads six weeks before the tutoring school convened。 He was a supernumerary during that time。 The Personnel Officer （in fact； his clerk） assigned David to a bunk and a mess； and told him to stay out of sight during working hours in the empty classrooms where his fellow hopefuls would meet six weeks later。 David did so； the classrooms had in them the books used in tutoring in academic subjects a candidate might lack…and David lacked them all。 He stayed out of sight and sat down and read。
That's all it took。
When the class convened； David helped tutor in Euclidean geometry； a required subject and； perhaps the most difficult。 Three months later he was sworn in as a naval cadet on the beautiful banks of the Hudson River at West Point。
David did not realize that he had jumped from the frying pan into the fire； the sadism of petty officers is a mild hit…ormiss thing pared with the calculated horrors visited on new cadets…〃plebes〃…by cadets o