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new moon(暮光之城-新月英文版)-第19部分

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〃No。 I'm not lost。〃 
Now that I was closer—and my eyes felt oddly in focus—I analyzed the short; 
dark man's face。 It was 
not familiar in any way。 I suffered a curious sensation of disappointment that 
this was not the terrible man 
who had tried to hurt me almost a year ago。 
The voice in my head was quiet now。 
The short man noticed my stare。 〃Can I buy you a drink?〃 he offered; nervous; 
seeming flattered that I'd 
singled him out to stare at。 
〃I'm too young;〃 I answered automatically。 
He was baffled—wondering why I had approached them。 I felt pelled to 
explain。 
〃From across the street; you looked like someone I knew。 Sorry; my mistake。〃 
The threat that had pulled me across the street had evaporated。 These were not 
the dangerous men I 
remembered。 They were probably nice guys。 Safe。 I lost interest。 
〃That's okay;〃 the confident blonde said。 〃Stay and hang out with us。〃 
〃Thanks; but I can't。〃 Jessica was hesitating in the middle of the street; her 
eyes wide with outrage and 
betrayal。 
〃Oh; just a few minutes。〃 
I shook my head; and turned to rejoin Jessica。 
〃Let's go eat;〃 I suggested; barely glancing at her。 Though I appeared to be; 
for the moment; freed of the 
zombie abstraction; I was just as distant。 My mind was preoccupied。 The safe; 
numb deadness did not 
e back; and I got more anxious with every minute that passed without its 
return。 
〃What were you thinking?〃 Jessica snapped。 〃You don't know them—they could 
have been 
psychopaths!〃 
I shrugged; wishing she would let it go。 〃I just thought I knew the one guy。〃 
〃You are so odd; Bella Swan。 I feel like I don't know who you are。〃 
〃Sorry。〃 I didn't know what else to say to that。 
We walked to McDonald's in silence。 I'd bet that she was wishing we'd taken 
her car instead of walking 
the short distance from the theater; so that she could use the drive…through。 
She was just as anxious now 
for this evening to be over as I had been from the beginning。 
I tried to start a conversation a few times while we ate; but Jessica was not 
cooperative。 I must have 
really offended her。 
When we go back in the car; she tuned the stereo back to her favorite station 
and turned the volume too 
loud to allow easy conversation。 
I didn't have to struggle as hard as usual to ignore the music。 Even though my 
mind; for once; was not 
carefully numb and empty; I had too much to think about to hear the lyrics。 
I waited for the numbness to return; or the pain。 Because the pain must be 
ing。 I'd broken my 
personal rules。 Instead of shying away from the memories; I'd walked forward 
and greeted them。 I'd 
heard his voice; so clearly; in my head。 That was going to cost me; I was sure 
of it。 Especially if I couldn't 
reclaim the haze to protect myself。 I felt too alert; and that frightened me。 
But relief was still the strongest emotion in my body—relief that came from 
the very core of my being。 
As much as I struggled not to think of him; I did not struggle to forget。 I 
worried—late in the night; when 
the exhaustion of sleep deprivation broke down my defenses—that it was all 
slipping away。 That my 
mind was a sieve; and I would someday not be able to remember the precise 
color of his eyes; the feel of 
his cool skin; or the texture of his voice。 I could not think of them; but I 
must remember them。 
Because there was just one thing that I had to believe to be able to live—I 
had to know that he existed。 
That was all。 Everything else I could endure。 So long as he existed。 
That's why I was more trapped in Forks than I ever had been before; why I'd 
fought with Charlie when 
he suggested a change。 Honestly; it shouldn't matter; no one was ever ing 
back here。 
But if I were to go to Jacksonville; or anywhere else bright and unfamiliar; 
how could I be sure he was 
real? In a place where I could never imagine him; the conviction might fade 
and that I could not live 
through。 
Forbidden to remember; terrified to forget; it was a hard line to walk。 
I was surprised when Jessica stopped the car in front of my house。 The ride 
had not taken long; but; 
short as it seemed; I wouldn't have thought that Jessica could go that long 
without speaking。 
〃Thanks for going out with me; Jess;〃 I said as I opened my door。 〃That was
fun。〃 I hoped that fun was 
the appropriate word。 
〃Sure;〃 she muttered。 
〃I'm sorry about after the movie。〃 
〃Whatever; Bella。〃 She glared out the windshield instead of looking at me。 She 
seemed to be growing 
angrier rather than getting over it。 
〃See you Monday?〃 
〃Yeah。 Bye。〃 
I gave up and shut the door。 She drove away; still without looking at me。 
I'd forgotten her by the time I was inside。 
Charlie was waiting for me in the middle of the hall; his arms folded tight 
over his chest with his hands 
balled into fists。 
〃Hey; Dad;〃 I said absentmindedly as I ducked around Charlie; heading for the 
stairs。 I'd been thinking 
about him for too long; and I wanted to be upstairs before it caught up with 
me。 
〃Where have you been?〃 Charlie demanded。 
I looked at my dad; surprised。 〃I went to a movie in Port Angeles with 
Jessica。 Like I told you this 
morning。〃 
〃Humph;〃 he grunted。 
〃Is that okay?〃 
He studied my face; his eyes widening as if he saw something unexpected。 
〃Yeah; that's fine。 Did you 
havefun?〃 
〃Sure;〃 I said。 〃We watched zombies eat people。 It was great。〃 
His eyes narrowed。 
〃'Night; Dad。〃 
He let me pass。 I hurried to my room。 
I lay in my bed a few minutes later; resigned as the pain finally made its 
appearance。 
It was a crippling thing; this sensation that a huge hole had been punched 
through my chest; excising my 
most vital organs and leaving ragged; unhealed gashes around the edges that 
continued to throb and 
bleed despite the passage of time。 Rationally; I knew my lungs must still be 
intact; yet I gasped for air and 
my head spun like my efforts yielded me nothing。 My heart must have been 
beating; too; but I couldn't 
hear the sound of my pulse in my ears; my hands felt blue with cold。 I curled 
inward; hugging my ribs to 
hold myself together。 I scrambled for my numbness; my denial; but it evaded 
me。 
And yet; I found I could survive。 I was alert; I felt the pain—the aching 
loss that radiated out from my 
chest; sending wracking waves of hurt through my limbs and head—but it was 
manageable。 I could live 
through it。 It didn't feel like the pain had weakened over time; rather that 
I'd grown strong enough to bear 
it。 
Whatever it was that had happened tonight—and whether it was the zombies; the 
adrenaline; or the 
hallucinations that were responsible—it had woken me up。 
For the first time in a long time; I didn't know what to expect in the 
morning。 
 5。 CHEATER
〃BELLA; WHY DON'T YOU TAKE OFF;〃 MIKE SUGGESTED; his eyes focused off to the 
side; not 
really looking at me。 I wondered how long that had been going on without me 
noticing。 
It was a slow afternoon at Newton's。 At the moment there were only two patrons 
in the store; dedicated 
backpackers from the sound of their conversation。 Mike had spent the last hour 
going through the pros 
and cons of two brands of lightweight packs with them。 But they'd taken a 
break from serious pricing to 
indulge in trying to one…up each other with their latest tales from the trail。 
Their distraction had given Mike 
a chance to escape。 
〃I don't mind staying;〃 I said。 I still hadn't been able to sink back into my 
protective shell of numbness; 
and everything seemed oddly close and loud today; like I'd taken cotton out of 
my ears。 I tried to tune 
out the laughing hikers without success。 
〃I'm telling you;〃 said the thickset man with the orange beard that didn't 
match his dark brown hair。 〃I've 
seen grizzlies pretty close up in Yellowstone; but they had nothing on this 
brute。〃 His hair was matted; 
and his clothes looked like they'd been on his back for more than a few days。 
Fresh from the mountains。 
〃Not a chance。 Black bears don't get that big。 The grizzlies you saw were 
probably cubs。〃 The second 
man was tall and lean; his face tanned and wind…whipped into an impressive 
leathery crust。 
〃Serious
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