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〃No； she's right；〃 I threw in impatiently。 〃We had a hiker in just Saturday
who saw the bear； too； Angela。
He said it was huge and black and just outside of town； didn't he； Mike？〃
There was a moment of silence。 Every pair of eyes at the table turned to stare
at me in shock。 The new
girl； Katie； had her mouth hanging open like she'd just witnessed an
explosion。 Nobody moved。
〃Mike？〃 I muttered； mortified。 〃Remember the guy with the bear story？〃
〃S…sure；〃 Mike stuttered after a second。 I didn't know why he was looking at
me so strangely。 I talked to
him at work； didn't I？ Did I？ I thought so
Mike recovered。 〃Yeah； there was a guy who said he saw a huge black bear right
at the
trailhead—bigger than a grizzly；〃 he confirmed。
〃Hmph。〃 Lauren turned to Jessica； her shoulders stiff； and changed the
subject。
〃Did you hear back from USC？〃 she asked。
Everyone else looked away； too； except for Mike and Angela。 Angela smiled at
me tentatively； and I
hurried to return the smile。
〃So； what did you do this weekend； Bella？〃 Mike asked； curious； but oddly
wary。
Everyone but Lauren looked back； waiting for my response。
〃Friday night； Jessica and I went to a movie in Port Angeles。 And then I spent
Saturday afternoon and
most of Sunday down at La Push。〃
The eyes flickered to Jessica and back to me。 Jess looked irritated。 I
wondered if she didn't want anyone
to know she'd gone out with me； or whether she just wanted to be the one to
tell the story。
〃What movie did you see？〃 Mike asked； starting to smile。
〃Dead End—the one with the zombies。〃 I grinned in encouragement。 Maybe some
of the damage I'd
done in these past zombie months was reparable。
〃I heard that was scary。 Did you think so？〃 Mike was eager to continue the
conversation。
〃Bella had to leave at the end； she was so freaked；〃 Jessica inserted with a
sly smile。
I nodded； trying to look embarrassed。 〃It was pretty scary。〃
Mike didn't stop asking me questions till lunch was over。 Gradually； the
others were able to start up their
own conversations again； though they still looked at me a lot。 Angela talked
mostly to Mike and me； and；
when I got up to dump my tray； she followed。
〃Thanks；〃 she said in a low voice when we were away from the table。
〃For what？〃
〃Speaking up； sticking up for me。〃
〃No problem。〃
She looked at me with concern； but not the offensive； maybe…she's…lost…it
kind。 〃Are you okay？〃
This is why I'd picked Jessica over Angela—though I'd always liked Angela
more—for the girls' night
movie。 Angela was too perceptive。
〃Not pletely；〃 I admitted。 〃But I'm a little bit better。〃
〃I'm glad；〃 she said。 〃I've missed you。〃
Lauren and Jessica strolled by us then； and I heard Lauren whisper loudly；
〃Oh； joy Bella's back。〃
Angela rolled her eyes at them； and smiled at me in encouragement。
I sighed It was like I was starting all over again。
〃What's today's date？〃 I wondered suddenly。
〃It's January nineteenth。〃
〃Hmm。〃
〃What is it？〃 Angela asked。
〃It was a year ago yesterday that I had my first day here；〃 I mused。
〃Nothing's changed much；〃 Angela muttered； looking after Lauren and Jessica。
〃I know； I agreed I was just thinking the same thing。〃
7。 REPETITION
I WASN'T SURE WHAT THE HELL I WAS DOING HERE Was I trying to push myself back
into
the zombie stupor？ Had I turned masochistic—developed a taste for torture？ I
should have gone straight
down to La Push I felt much； much healthier around Jacob This was not a
healthy thing to do。
But I continued to drive slowly down the overgrown lane； twisting through the
trees that arched over me
like a green； living tunnel My hands were shaking； so I tightened my grip on
the steering wheel。
I knew that part of the reason I did this was the nightmare； now that I was
really awake； the nothingness
of the dream gnawed on my nerves； a dog worrying a bone。
There was something to search for。 Unattainable and impossible； uncaring and
distracted but he was
out there； somewhere。 I had to believe that。
The other part was the strange sense of repetition I'd felt at school today；
the coincidence of the date。
The feeling that I was starting over—perhaps the way my first day would have
gone if I'd really been the
most unusual person in the cafeteria that afternoon。
The words ran through my head； tonelessly； like I was reading them rather than
hearing them spoken：
It will be as if I'd never existed。
I was lying to myself by splitting my reason for ing here into just two
parts。 I didn't want to admit the
strongest motivation。 Because it was mentally unsound。
The truth was that I wanted to hear his voice again； like I had in the strange
delusion Friday night。 For
that brief moment； when his voice came from some other part of me than my
conscious memory； when
his voice was perfect and honey smooth rather than the pale echo my memories
usually produced； I was
able to remember without pain。 It hadn't lasted； the pain had caught up with
me； as I was sure it would
for this fool's errand。 But those precious moments when I could hear him again
were an irresistible lure。 I
had to find some way to repeat the experience or maybe the better word was
episode。
I was hoping that déjà vu was the key。 So I was going to his home； a place I
hadn't been since my
ill…fated birthday party； so many months ago。
The thick； almost jungle…like growth crawled slowly past my windows。 The drive
wound on and on。 I
started to go faster； getting edgy。 How long had I been driving？ Shouldn't I
have reached the house yet？
The lane was so overgrown that it did not look familiar。
What if I couldn't find it？ I shivered。 What if there was no tangible proof at
all？
Then there was the break in the trees that I was looking for； only it was not
so pronounced as before。
The flora here did not wait long to reclaim any land that was left unguarded。
The tall ferns had infiltrated
the meadow around the house； crowding against the trunks of the cedars； even
the wide porch。 It was
like the lawn had been flooded—waist…high—with green； feathery waves。
And the house was there； but it was not the same。 Though nothing had changed
on the outside； the
emptiness screamed from the blank windows。 It was creepy。 For the first time
since I'd seen the beautiful
house； it looked like a fitting haunt for vampires。
I hit the brakes； looking away。 I was afraid to go farther。
But nothing happened。 No voice in my head。
So I left the engine running and jumped out into the fern sea。 Maybe； like
Friday night； if I walked
forward
I approached the barren； vacant face slowly； my truck rumbling out a
forting roar behind me。 I
stopped when I got to the porch stairs； because there was nothing here。 No
lingering sense of their
presence of his presence。 The house was solidly here； but it meant little。
Its concrete reality would not
counteract the nothingness of the nightmares。
I didn't go any closer。 I didn't want to look in the windows。 I wasn't sure
which would be harder to see。
If the rooms were bare； echoing empty from floor to ceiling； that would
certainly hurt。 Like my
grandmother's funeral； when my mother had insisted that I stay outside during
the viewing。 She had said
that I didn't need to see Gran that way； to remember her that way； rather than
alive。
But wouldn't it be worse if there were no change？ If the couches sat just as
I'd last seen them； the
paintings on the walls—worse still； the piano on its low platform？ It would
be second only to the house
disappearing all together； to see that there was no physical possession that
tied them in anyway。 That
everything remained； untouched and forgotten； behind them。
Just like me。
I turned my back on the gaping emptiness and hurried to my truck。 I nearly
ran。 I was anxious to be
gone； to get back to the human world。 I felt hideously empty； and I wanted to
see Jacob。 Maybe I was
developing a new kind of sickness； another addiction； like the numbness
before。 I didn't care。 I pushed
my truck as fast as it would go as I barreled toward my fix。
Jacob was waiting for me。 My chest seeme