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looked away； trying to not understand what he had been about to say。
〃So are we going to ride or what？〃
〃Let's do it；〃 I agreed； more enthusiastic than I would have been half a
minute ago。 His unfinished
sentence reminded me of why I was here。
8。 ADRENALINE
〃OKAY； WHERE'S YOUR CLUTCH？〃
I pointed to the lever on my left handlebar。 Letting go of the grip was a
mistake。 The heavy bike wobbled
underneath me； threatening to knock me sidewise。 I grabbed the handle again；
trying to hold it straight。
〃Jacob； it won't stay up；〃 I plained。
〃It will when you're moving；〃 he promised。 〃Now where's your brake？〃
〃Behind my right foot。〃
〃Wrong。〃
He grabbed my right hand and curled my fingers around the lever over the
throttle。
〃But you said—〃
〃This is the brake you want。 Don't use the back brake now； that's for later；
when you know what you're
doing。〃
〃That doesn't sound right；〃 I said suspiciously。 〃Aren't both brakes kind of
important？〃
〃Forget the back brake； okay？ Here—〃 He wrapped his hand around mine and made
me squeeze the
lever down。 〃That is how you brake。 Don't forget。〃 He squeezed my hand another
time。
〃Fine；〃 I agreed。
〃Throttle？〃
I twisted the right grip。
〃Gearshift？〃
I nudged it with my left calf。
〃Very good。 I think you've got all the parts down。 Now you just have to get
itmoving。〃
〃Uh…huh；〃 I muttered； afraid to say more。 My stomach was contorting strangely
and I thought my voice
might crack。 I was terrified。 I tried to tell myself that the fear was
pointless。 I'd already lived through the
worst thing possible。 In parison with that； why should anything frighten me
now？ I should be able to
look death in the face and laugh。
My stomach wasn't buying it。
I stared down the long stretch of dirt road； bordered by thick misty green on
every side。 The road was
sandy and damp。 Better than mud。
〃I want you to hold down the clutch；〃 Jacob instructed。
I wrapped my fingers around the clutch。
〃Now this is crucial； Bella；〃 Jacob stressed。 〃Don't let go of that； okay？ I
want you to pretend that I've
handed you a live grenade。 The pin is out and you are holding down the spoon。〃
I squeezed tighter。
〃Good。 Do you think you can kick…start it？〃
〃If I move my foot； I will fall over；〃 I told him through gritted teeth； my
fingers tight around my live
grenade。
〃Okay； I'll do it。 Don't let go of the clutch。〃
He took a step back； and then suddenly slammed his foot down on the pedal。
There was a short ripping
noise； and the force of his thrust rocked the bike。 I started to fall
sideways； but Jake caught the bike
before it knocked me to the ground。
〃Steady there；〃 he encouraged。 〃Do you still have the clutch？〃
〃Yes；〃 I gasped。
〃Plant your feet—I'm going to try again。〃 But he put his hand on the back of
the seat； too； just to be safe。
It took four more kicks before the ignition caught。 I could feel the bike
rumbling beneath me like an angry
animal。 I gripped the clutch until my fingers ached。
〃Try out the throttle；〃 he suggested。 〃Very lightly。 And don't let go of the
clutch。〃
Hesitantly； I twisted the right handle。 Though the movement was tiny； the bike
snarled beneath me。 It
sounded angry and hungry now。 Jacob smiled in deep satisfaction。
〃Do you remember how to put it into first gear？〃 he asked。
〃Yes。〃
〃Well； go ahead and do it。〃
〃Okay。〃
He waited for a few seconds。
〃Left foot；〃 he prompted。
〃I know；〃 I said； taking a deep breath。
〃Are you sure you want to do this？〃 Jacob asked。 〃You look scared。〃
〃I'm fine；〃 I snapped。 I kicked the gearshift down one notch。
〃Very good；〃 he praised me。 〃Now； very gently； ease up on the clutch。〃
He took a step away from the bike。
〃You want me to let go of the grenade？〃 I asked in disbelief。 No wonder he was
moving back。
〃That's how you move； Bella。 Just do it little by little。〃
As I began to loosen my grip； I was shocked to be interrupted by a voice that
did not belong to the boy
standing next to me。
〃This is reckless and childish and idiotic； Bella；〃 the velvet voice fumed。
〃Oh！〃 I gasped； and my hand fell off the clutch。
The bike bucked under me； yanking me forward and then collapsing to the ground
half on top of me。 The
growling engine choked to a stop。
〃Bella？〃 Jacob jerked the heavy bike off me with ease。 〃Are you hurt？〃
But I wasn't listening。
〃I told you so；〃 the perfect voice murmured； crystal clear。
〃Bella？〃 Jacob shook my shoulder。
〃I'm fine；〃 I mumbled； dazed。
More than fine。 The voice in my head was back。 It still rang in my ears—soft；
velvety echoes。
My mind ran swiftly through the possibilities。 There was no familiarity here—
on a road I'd never seen；
doing something I'd never done before—no deja vu So the hallucinations must
be triggered by something
else I felt the adrenaline coursing through my veins again； and I thought I
had the answer。 Some
bination of adrenaline and danger； or maybe just stupidity。
Jacob was pulling me to my feet。
〃Did you hit your head？〃 he asked。
〃I don't think so。〃 I shook it back and forth； checking。 〃I didn't hurt the
bike； did I？〃 This thought worried
me。 I was anxious to try again； right away。 Being reckless was paying off
better than I'd thought。 Forget
cheating。 Maybe I'd found a way to generate the hallucinations—that was much
more important。
〃No。 You just stalled the engine；〃 Jacob said； interrupting my quick
speculations。 〃You let go of the clutch
too fast。〃
I nodded。 〃Let's try again。〃
〃Are you sure？〃 Jacob asked。
〃Positive。〃
This time I tried to get the kick…start myself。 It was plicated； I had to
jump a little to slam down on
the pedal with enough force； and every time I did that； the bike tried to
knock me over。 Jacob's hand
hovered over the handlebars； ready to catch me if I needed him。
It took several good tries； and even more poor tries； before the engine caught
and roared to life under
me。 Remembering to hold on to the grenade； I revved the throttle
experimentally。 It snarled at the
slightest touch。 My smile mirrored Jacob's now。
〃Easy on the clutch；〃 he reminded me。
〃Do you want to kill yourself； then？ Is that what this is about？〃 the other
voice spoke again； his tone
severe。
I smiled tightly—it was still working—and ignored the questions。 Jacob
wasn't going to let anything
serious happen to me。
〃Go home to Charlie；〃 the voice ordered。 The sheer beauty of it amazed me。 I
couldn't allow my memory
to lose it； no matter the price。
〃Ease off slowly；〃 Jacob encouraged me。
〃I will；〃 I said。 It bothered me a bit when I realized I was answering both of
them。
The voice in my head growled against the roar of the motorcycle。
Trying to focus this time； to not let the voice startle me again； I relaxed my
hand by tiny degrees。
Suddenly； the gear caught and wrenched me forward。
And I was flying。
There was wind that wasn't there before； blowing my skin against my skull and
flinging my hair back
behind me with enough force that it felt like someone was tugging on it。 I'd
left my stomach back at the
starting point； the adrenaline coursed through my body； tingling in my veins。
The trees raced past me；
blurring into a wall of green。
But this was only first gear。 My foot itched toward the gearshift as I twisted
for more gas。
〃No； Bella！〃 the angry； honey…sweet voice ordered in my ear。 〃Watch what
you're doing！〃
It distracted me enough from the speed to realize that the road was starting a
slow curve to the left； and I
was still going straight。 Jacob hadn't told me how to turn。
〃Brakes； brakes；〃 I muttered to myself； and I instinctively slammed down with
my right foot； like I would
in my truck。
The bike was suddenly unstable underneath me； shivering first to one side and
then the other。 It was
dragging me toward the green wall； and I was going too fast。 I tried to turn
the handlebar the other
direction； and the sudden shift of my weight pushed the bike toward the
ground； still spinning toward the
trees。
The motorcycle landed on top of me again； roaring loudly； pulling me across
the wet sand until it hit
something stationary。 I couldn't see