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gauze securely in place； sealing
it to my skin。 〃Why did you even think to try a different way than the obvious
one？〃
His lips turned up in a private smile。 〃Hasn't Edward told you this story？〃
〃Yes。 But I'm trying to understand what you were thinking〃
His face was suddenly serious again； and I wondered if his thoughts had gone
to the same place that mine
had。 Wondering what I would be thinking when—I refused to think if—it was
me。
〃You know my father was a clergyman；〃 he mused as he cleaned the table
carefully； rubbing everything
down with wet gauze； and then doing it again。 The smell of alcohol burned in
my nose。 〃He had a rather
harsh view of the world； which I was already beginning to question before the
time that I changed。〃
Carlisle put all the dirty gauze and the glass slivers into an empty crystal
bowl。 I didn't understand what he
was doing； even when he lit the match。 Then he threw it onto the alcohol…
soaked fibers； and the sudden
blaze made me jump。
〃Sorry；〃 he apologized。 〃That ought to do it So I didn't agree with my
father's particular brand of faith。
But never； in the nearly four hundred years now since I was born； have I ever
seen anything to make me
doubt whether God exists in some form or the other。 Not even the reflection in
the mirror。〃
I pretended to examine the dressing on my arm to hide my surprise at the
direction our conversation had
taken。 Religion was the last thing I expected； all things considered。 My own
life was fairly devoid of
belief。 Charlie considered himself a Lutheran； because that's what his parents
had been； but Sundays he
worshipped by the river with a fishing pole in his hand。 Renee tried out a
church now and then； but； much
like her brief affairs with tennis； pottery； yoga； and French classes； she
moved on by the time I was
aware of her newest fad。
〃I'm sure all this sounds a little bizarre； ing from a vampire。〃 He
grinned； knowing how their casual
use of that word never failed to shock me。 〃But I'm hoping that there is still
a point to this life； even for us。
It's a long shot； I'll admit；〃 he continued in an offhand voice。 〃By all
accounts； we're damned regardless。
But I hope； maybe foolishly； that we'll get some measure of credit for
trying。〃
〃I don't think that's foolish；〃 I mumbled。 I couldn't imagine anyone； deity
included； who wouldn't be
impressed by Carlisle。 Besides； the only kind of heaven I could appreciate
would have to include
Edward。 〃And I don't think anyone else would； either。〃
〃Actually； you're the very first one to agree with me。〃
〃The rest of them don't feel the same？〃 I asked； surprised； thinking of only
one person in particular。
Carlisle guessed the direction of my thoughts again。 〃Edward's with me up to a
point。 God and heaven
exist and so does hell。 But he doesn't believe there is an afterlife for our
kind。〃 Carlisle's voice was
very soft； he stared out the big window over the sink； into the darkness。 〃You
see； he thinks we've lost
our souls。〃
I immediately thought of Edward's words this afternoon： unless you want to die
—or whatever it is
that we do。 The lightbulb flicked on over my head。
〃That's the real problem； isn't it？〃 I guessed。 〃That's why he's being so
difficult about me。〃
Carlisle spoke slowly。 〃I look at my son。 His strength； his goodness； the
brightness that shines out of
him—and it only fuels that hope； that faith； more than ever。 How could there
not be more for one such as
Edward？〃
I nodded in fervent agreement。
〃But if I believed as he does〃 He looked down at me with unfathomable eyes。
〃If you believed as he
did。 Could you take away his soul？〃
The way he phrased the question thwarted my answer。
If he'd asked me whether I would risk my soul for Edward； the reply would be
obvious。 But would I risk
Edward's soul？ I pursed my lips unhappily。 That wasn't a fair exchange。
〃You see the problem。〃
I shook my head； aware of the stubborn set of my chin。
Carlisle sighed。
〃It's my choice；〃 I insisted。
〃It's his； too。〃 He held up his hand when he could see that I was about to
argue。 〃Whether he is
responsible for doing that to you。〃
〃He's not the only one able to do it。〃 I eyed Carlisle speculatively。
He laughed； abruptly lightening the mood。 〃Oh； no！ You're going to have to
work this out with him。〃But
then he sighed。 〃That's the one part I can never be sure of。 I think； in most
other ways； that I've done the
best I could with what I had to work with。 But was it right to doom the others
to this life？ I can't decide。〃
I didn't answer。 I imagined what my life would be like if Carlisle had
resisted the temptation to change his
lonely existence and shuddered。
〃It was Edward's mother who made up my mind。〃 Carlisle's voice was almost a
whisper。 He stared
unseeingly out the black windows。
〃His mother？〃 Whenever I'd asked Edward about his parents； he would merely say
that they had died
long ago； and his memories were vague。 I realized Carlisle's memory of them；
despite the brevity of their
contact； would be perfectly clear。
〃Yes。 Her name was Elizabeth。 Elizabeth Masen。 His father； Edward Senior；
never regained
consciousness in the hospital。 He died in the first wave of the influenza。 But
Elizabeth was alert until
almost the very end。 Edward looks a great deal like her—she had that same
strange bronze shade to her
hair； and her eyes were exactly the same color green。〃
〃His eyes were green？〃 I murmured； trying to picture it。
〃Yes〃 Carlisle's ocher eyes were a hundred years away now。 〃Elizabeth
worried obsessively over her
son。 She hurt her own chances of survival trying to nurse him from her
sickbed。 I expected that he would
go first； he was so much worse off than she was。 When the end came for her； it
was very quick。 It was
just after sunset； and I'd arrived to relieve the doctors who'd been working
all day。 That was a hard time
to pretend—there was so much work to be done； and I had no need of rest。 How
I hated to go back to
my house； to hide in the dark and pretend to sleep while so many were dying。
〃I went to check Elizabeth and her son first。 I'd grown attached—always a
dangerous thing to do
considering the fragile nature of humans。 I could see at once that she'd taken
a bad turn。 The fever was
raging out of control； and her body was too weak to fight anymore。
〃She didn't look weak； though； when she glared up at me from her cot。
〃Save him！' she manded me in the hoarse voice that was all her throat could
manage。
〃I'll do everything in my power；' I promised her； taking her hand。 The fever
was so high； she probably
couldn't even tell how unnaturally cold mine felt。 Everything felt cold to her
skin。
〃You must；〃 she insisted； clutching at my hand with enough strength that I
wondered if she wouldn't pull
through the crisis after all。 Her eyes were hard； like stones； like emeralds。
'You must do everything in
your power。 What others cannot do； that is what you must do for my Edward。〃
〃It frightened me。 She looked it me with those piercing eyes； and； for one
instant； I felt certain that she
knew my secret。 Then the fever overwhelmed her； and she never regained
consciousness。 She died
within an hour of making her demand。
〃I'd spent decades considering the idea of creating a panion for myself。
Just one other creature who
could really know me； rather than what I pretended to be。 But I could never
justify it to myself—doing
what had been done to me。
〃There Edward lay； dying。 It was clear that he had only hours left。 Beside
him； his mother； her face
somehow not yet peaceful； not even in death。〃
Carlisle saw it all again； his memory unblurred by the intervening century。 I
could see it clearly； too； as he
spoke—the despair of the hospital； the overwhelming atmosphere of death。
Edward burning with fever；
his life slipping away with each tick of the clock I shuddered again； and
forced the picture from my
mind。
〃Elizabeth's words echoed in my head。 How could she guess what I could do？
Could anyone really want
that for her son？
〃I looked at Edward。 Sick as he was； he