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could almost ignore it； but there was no denying that my body still yearned toward her for the wrong reason。 My mouth was swimming with venom。 This is a mistake？ she asked； and there was heartbreak in her voice。 The sound of it disarmed me。 She wanted to be with me despite everything； she wanted to be with me。 Hope swelled again； and I beat it back。 A very dangerous one； I told her truthfully； wishing the truth could really somehow cease to matter。 She didn t respond for a moment。 I heard her breathing change it hitched in strange ways that did not sound like fear。 Tell me more； she said suddenly； her voice distorted by anguish。 I examined her carefully。 She was in pain。 How had I allowed this？ What more do you want to know？ I asked； trying to think of a way to keep her from hurting。 She should not hurt。 I couldn t let her be hurt。 Tell me why you hunt animals instead of people； she said； still anguished。 Wasn t it obvious？ Or maybe this didn t matter to her either。 I don t want to be a monster； I muttered。 But animals aren t enough？ I searched for another parison； a way that she could understand。 I can t be sure； of course； but I d pare it to living on tofu and soy milk； we call ourselves vegetarians； our little inside joke。 It doesn t pletely satiate the hunger or rather thirst。 But it keeps us strong enough to resist。 Most of the time。 My voice got lower； I was ashamed of danger I had allowed her to be in。 Danger I continued to allow Sometimes it s more difficult than others。 Is it very difficult for you now？
I sighed。 admitted。 Of course she would ask the question I didn t want to answer。 Yes； I I expected her physical response correctly this time： her breathing held steady； her heart kept its even pattern。 I expected it； but I did not understand it。 How could she not be afraid？ But you re not hungry now； she declared； perfectly sure of herself。 Why do you think that？ Your eyes； she said； her tone offhand。 I told you I had a theory。 I ve noticed that people men in particular are crabbier when they re hungry。 I chuckled at her description： crabby。 There was an understatement。 But she was dead right； as usual。 You are observant； aren t you？ I laughed again。 She smiled a little； the crease returning between her eyes as if she were concentrating on something。 Were you hunting this weekend； with Emmett？ she asked after my laugh had faded。 The casual way she spoke was as fascinating as it was frustrating。 Could she really accept so much in stride？ I was closer to shock than she seemed to be。 Yes； I told her； and then； as I was about to leave it at that； I felt the same urge I d had in the restaurant： I wanted her to know me。 I didn t want to leave； I went on slowly； but it was necessary。 It s a bit easier to be around you when I m not thirsty。 Why didn t you want to leave？ I took a deep breath； and then turned to meet her gaze。 difficult in a very different way。 This kind of honesty was It makes me anxious； I supposed that word would suffice； though it wasn t strong enough； to be away from you。 I wasn t joking when I asked you to try not to fall in the ocean or get run over last Thursday。 I was distracted all weekend； worrying about you。 And after what happened tonight； I m surprised that you did make it through a whole weekend unscathed。 Then I remembered the scrapes on her palms。 Well； not totally unscathed； I amended。 What？ Your hands； I reminded her。 She sighed and grimaced。 I fell。 I d guessed right。 That s what I thought； I said； unable to contain my smile。 I suppose； being you； it could have been much worse and that possibility tormented me the entire time I was away。 It was a very long three days。 I really got on Emmett s nerves。 Honestly； that didn t belong in the past tense。 I was probably still irritating Emmett； and all the rest of my family； too。 Except Alice Three days？ she asked； her voice suddenly sharp。 today？ I didn t understand the edge in her voice。 Didn t you just get back No； we got back Sunday。
Then why weren t any of you in school？ she demanded。 Her irritation confused me。 She didn t seem to realize that this question was one that related to mythology again。 Well； you asked if the sun hurt me； and it doesn t； I said。 in the sunlight； at least； not where anyone can see。 That distracted her from her mysterious annoyance。 head to one side。 But I can t go out Why？ she asked； leaning her I doubted I could e up with the appropriate analogy to explain this one。 So I just told her； I ll show you sometime。 And then I wondered if this was a promise I would end up breaking。 Would I see her again； after tonight？ Did I love her enough yet to be able to bear leaving her？ You might have called me； she said。 What an odd conclusion。 But I knew you were safe。 I She came to an abrupt stop； and looked at But I didn t know where you were。 her hands。 What？ I didn t like it； she said shyly； the skin over her cheekbones warming。 seeing you。 It makes me anxious； too。 Are you happy now？ I demanded of myself。 Not Well； here was my reward for hoping。 I was bewildered； elated； horrified mostly horrified to realize that all my wildest imaginings were not so far off the mark。 This was why it didn t matter to her that I was a monster。 It was exactly the same reason that the rules no longer mattered to me。 Why right and wrong were no longer pelling influences。 Why all my priorities had shifted one rung down to make room for this girl at the very top。 Bella cared for me； too。 I knew it could be nothing in parison to how I loved her。 But it was enough for her to risk her life to sit here with me。 To do so gladly。 Enough to cause her pain if I did the right thing and left her。 Was there anything I could do now that would not hurt her？ Anything at all？ I should have stayed away。 her nothing but pain。 I should never have e back to Forks。 From making it worse？ I would cause Would that stop me from staying now？ The way I felt right now； feeling her warmth against my skin No。 Nothing would stop me。 This is wrong。 Ah； I groaned to myself。
What did I say？ she asked； quick to take the blame on herself。 Don t you see； Bella？ It s one thing for me to make myself miserable； but a wholly other thing for you to be so involved。 I don t want to hear that you feel that way。 It was the truth； it was a lie。 The most selfish part of me was flying with the knowledge that she wanted me as I wanted her。 It s wrong。 It s not safe。 I m dangerous； Bella please； grasp that。 No。 Her lips pouted out petulantly。 I m serious。 I was battling with myself so strongly half desperate for her to accept； half desperate to keep the warnings from escaping that the words came through my teeth as a growl。 So am I； she insisted。 late。 I told you； it doesn t matter what you are。 It s too Too late？ The world was bleakly black and white for one endless second as I watched the shadows crawl across the sunny lawn toward Bella s sleeping form in my memory。 Inevitable； unstoppable。 They stole the color from her skin； and plunged her into darkness。 Too late？ Alice s vision swirled in my head； Bella s blood red eyes staring back at me impassively。 Expressionless but there was no way that she could not hate me for that future。 Hate me for stealing everything from her。 Stealing her life and her soul。 It could not be too late。 Never say that； I hissed。 She stared out her window； and her teeth bit into her lip again。 Her hands were balled into tight fists in her lap。 Her breathing hitched and broke。 What are you thinking？ I had to know。 She shook her head without looking at me。 crystal； on her cheek。 Agony。 Are you crying？ I saw something glisten； like a I d hurt her that much。 I d made her cry。 She scrubbed the tears away with the back of her hand。 No； she lied； her voice breaking。 Some long buried instinct had me reaching out toward her in that one second I felt more human than I ever had。 And then I remembered that I was not。 And I lowered my hand。 I m sorry； I said； my jaw locked。 How could I ever tell her how sorry I was？ Sorry for all the stupid mistakes I d made。 Sorry for my neverending selfishness。 Sorry that she was so unfortunate as to have inspired this first； tragic love of mine。 Sorry also for the things beyond my control that I d been the monster chosen by fate to end her li